Category Archives: Chapters

Muntu

We’re so far apart. Me, right there and you, right here. Like a dead mother, you never existed. And…everything doesn’t have to be so heavy, because as soon as you return we’ll smile. At our wicked ways, we’ll cry tears of laughter. That is if you return otherwise the illusion will live on. That is if I return otherwise the illusion will die. Nothing so far has changed you, not fire, not water, not pain. Twin statues we stand apart staring into the unknown of each other’s eyes. We are not dead. We are not alive. We are muntu.

The word muntu makes “no special difference between living people, dead people, children not yet born, and gods” (The Poisonwood Bible).

It’s Not You

It’s not you. No really, it’s not you. It’s not you; it’s me. If you knew about me you wouldn’t blame yourself. You wouldn’t expect so little for me. You’d find someone better: lesser. You’d be sad for me knowing that I’ll never be happy, that there will always be something more than you. If you knew me you wouldn’t try. You wouldn’t have to. You would know that it’s not you. It’s not you.

Sister Lover

imageIf we weren’t lovers I’d call us twins trapped in the same womb, born of the same blood. The two of us in an ongoing tussle tumbling round and round, all our colours swishing into each other and swapping places.

And if you left now it would break the heart we share that keeps ours beating.

But I’d find a way to live without your hand in mine and your bum in my face and my flesh pressed into your flesh and your thoughts in my head and our feelings squashing us into this embryonic space.

Maybe we’ve outgrown each other, maybe we can’t live without each other, maybe we’ve killed each other, maybe we love each other.

I’ll never need you because I’ll always have you; I’ll never miss you because you’ll always be there. Even after birth when the need for separation would pull us apart, even then would we be exactly the same. Just less natural.

Colposcoqueen

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They asked me if I wanted to see you on the screen
The absence of where a baby should have been
My amplified problem that shouldn’t cause me
any concern.

You all spread out and white like a silken web
But wet, still womby, like a womb and red
They turned it back. That’s enough of that bit
of me.

L.O.V.E

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If you don’t come back soon I’m going to kill our dream. Before you’ve even fully envisioned it I’m going to cut it out black from that colouring book we loved. Why won’t you comply? Why won’t you be complicit in my illusion? Completely. I allude to you, only you, all the time. It’s harrowing. We’re the opposite of a rainbow. I don’t even know who you are whilst knowing everything in your little little mind. That’s what I…i…i…

Angry Words of an Infantile Lover

You are a waste of the sunshine.
When I think about you I count every breath
And I wish that I could get them back.

I don’t like you. In fact I wish I’d never met you.
I imagine it sometimes and I climax, tearfully.
I regret not hurting you, more.

I think that you are horrible like the hideous monster under the bed.
I wish your heart was as big as mine so you could understand how much hate can be squashed inside it.

You are a pot belly pig. I kick you and I roast you.
I share you with all my friends and they love you.
You are delicious, dead.

I wish you became a puzzle and I jumbled up all the pieces so I didn’t know what you look like.
I wish I was so stupid I couldn’t solve the puzzle.

I don’t even like writing about you.
I’m going to tear you out and scrunch you into a ball and play basketball with your head. Dickhead.

Love, C ximage

 

Without Him

What if we’re all a mistake? What if God couldn’t help himself one day and got bored or horny and had sex. And now Mother Earth raises us all single handedly because her bastard lover refused to stick around. What if he pops his head in now and again, disrupts the order of things before deciding we’re all useless and washing his hands of us? Well, what if we don’t care about his rules or his issues or his absence? What if we’ve forgotten about him? Formed ourselves, designed our destinies, wanted more for ourselves than he could be bothered to conceive. What if we’re all just fine, or actually, perfect? Without him.

The Sadness

I was sitting there and a sadness came over me, and I immediately imagined my death and all of my friends gathered around me. I thought of him and him and him and someone to hold me during my last days, and that’s when I knew that I wouldn’t tell a soul. I’d ask them to publish me the way it was always meant to be, without me, just my words. I’d ask them to stop the crying; we all have art to attend to. Because when I am gone creation will be all that’s left behind as it was in the beginning. And through creation will I never end. Then the sadness left me.

Imagined

I can get off on a vision, you don’t have to be real. Your eyes can tell stories you’ve never seen, your mouth smile with a love you’ve never expressed. I can trust your insincerity, your ignorance can explain things unknown. And when I think I really know you, you can be everything that never was, with the earth and the moon and the sun, imagined.

Ha.

Where you fool? Ha ha ha. I can hear our song. Ha ha ha. You laughing in the shadows. My man, fix up before I ha fi get serious. Ha ha ha. You never stop laughing. I never stop missing dem times. Wit u. Wit me. Whitney, shut ya mout. The greatest love is this bullshit. Peace. Ha.

The Sky Not Yet Blue

Do you ever wish you could take it all back? Time. Do you ever wish you could give them all back. Memories.

Smells linger on the street corners of your mind. Just when you think you’re safe, you remember. The same stories read to you every bedtime. Your dreams filled with could have beens. You wish tomorrow could be the day you were born. The sky not yet blue.

Car

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The front seat for where you held me
The passenger seat for where you broke me
The back seat for where you fucked me
The empty space for where you left me

The Question of Settling Down

Back in the day we were never worried about the answers because we were never asked the questions. Now our lips quiver along with their dicks. Nothing is convincing anymore, not even the womb. Complete, we are in need of nothing and so complete, we desire it all.

Profoundly confused, profoundly uncertain, profoundly brave, profoundly human.

Vagina – Alternative NHS Choices

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Vagina Health – Live well – NHS Choices

The vagina is complex and no two are the same. It is therefore important to avoid comparisons amongst vaginas. There are however, certain similarities shared by vaginas. These include:

– The need for regular contact. To prevent a moody vagina, play with it regularly, keep it well lubricated and avoid leaving it vacant for long periods of time.

– At times vaginas will refuse entry. When this occurs, make sure that there is no disconnection between the vagina, the rest of the body and the soul.

– Sometimes the vagina may not respond well to certain guests. It is likely that in these situations it will do anything including crying, curdling and flushing to alert you to its discomfort. You may need to reevaluate the guest.

– On the whole the vagina is an enthusiastic participant in most activities: adaptable, flexible, warm and enduring.

– When the vagina conduits blood from inside to outside the body, it is its way of confirming its support of the wider procreative concerns of the body. This role does not however, negate the hedonistic interests of the vagina. If anything, it intensifies them.

Once again, the vagina is complex like most masterly and multifunctional things in life. The best way to live harmoniously with the vagina is to respond promptly to its needs and never to assume full understanding of it: it is in the vagina’s nature to surprise.

Dedicated to a 24 year old vagina of whom I am most proud. 

A Man Made of Me

I met a man made of paper. The ink didn’t matter once the rain fell.

I met a man made of rock. Held on so tight my body turned to pulp.

I met a man made of meat. It was impossible to preserve him.

I met a man made of gold. He never worshipped back.

I met a man made of smoke. He disappeared.

I met a man made of me. We never separated.

Come To Me

I relive it and relive it, can’t leave it, can’t live without it. Give it back to me until I find something else. Can’t quite reach the future, can’t quite release the past. If only I could go back to where everything is always more perfect than it was at the time. If only the future wouldn’t take so long to arrive. If only I could live in the present.

Feelings in trousers with penises and shaved heads. Dancing around me, weaving in and around my desires. Lovers that remain in your throat, in the beat of your breasts, in the words I never cease to express. Where is the man like me that can’t bear to change? We would die trying against the heat of ambition’s baying breath.

Come to me, come to me, come to me, come, come, come for me the one that is mine. I’m swinging in the air hung from the clouds by my hair never quite there. We’re trying new things with the spare time that we have but inside there are all sorts of things like clocks, disappointment, coal, desire, a lighthouse looking out for someone as helpless as I am floundering through never ever.

Blood Moon

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A minute’s silence please for all the children that have died within me. The lifespan of a dream is the length of a rainbow in the sky. A blood moon to remind me of all the failed prophesies. A woman tossed out in a desert with only tears to wet her lips. A desire for so much more than this.

Always Happening

If you happen to be happy, know that it’s a happy happening, happening at the same time as many unhappy happenings around you, and in contrast to the hapless happenings of your life so far and still to come. And know that happenings whether happy or hapless will continue to happen regardless of the human will to make a happening happen.

Face to Face

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A story is told of a man wrongly sent to hell. After the mistake had been discovered, he was swiftly summoned to heaven to take up his proper place amongst the Angels. Feeling that there ought to be some compensation for the torture he endured under the Devils, God sent him to the seventh heaven to experience the full fineries of the after life. However, the man remained troubled, unmoved by all his rewards. The only unhappy individual in heaven, the man became an aggravation to the Lord. There could only be one remedy for one yet to be filled with His full presence. Taken by the hand of Christ, the man was led into the inner temple of heaven and there God turned to him face to face. The man became the first to die beyond death.

(‘But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”’ Exodus 33:20)

Suffragette

I am courage wrapped in the skin of a woman. Every night I scrape the cause from beneath my finger nails. And when I’m still they think they’ve killed me, but strength is not my stride; it’s my being.image

 

My Little Dream Come True

Second guessing my whole life. As long as you’re certain then so am I… Do you love me enough to leave the universe for me?… Strong enough to stay silent. Weak enough to depend on your strength for me… If happiness means hurting, am I willing to leave happiness to be hurt free?… My little dream come true with two fingers up to the arrogant world… I will live and die by the only weapon they cannot answer for – Love.