Monthly Archives: January 2015

The Dangers of Thailand

(On considering the precautionary measures necessary for my trip to Thailand)

Map of Northern Thailand, Burma and Laos






If I went on an expedition into the high risk malaria mountains, if I walked the red light district alone, if I ventured too far out in the sea, if I ate stale shellfish from a street food stall, if I did all these things, I would still be in less danger than when I was in love with you.

To the two little girls sitting in the GP surgery

To the two little girls sitting in the GP surgery on your parents’ knees, you are my inspiration.

I aspire to be blissfully ignorant like you, sitting there awaiting your fate behind the nurse’s curtain. Only old jaded beings need to know what you didn’t know. The needle that was about to pierce your arm; the pain that was about to change the course of a person’s life. In that moment you were untouchable, innocent, unafraid of anything, protected. And then you learnt pain, you learnt betrayal. You learnt. No longer ignorant. Now suspicious of bliss.

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In another life I was a lesbian


My name is Jane.

Fleshy bosoms. Waists that curl like the waves of an ocean. I love a shapely leg. An ample thigh that flourishes into a ripe bottom. Slender wrists, soft and seductive. A neck that raises high a head like a golden egg, perfectly fragile. Lips plump and bruised red, and eyes…eyes like an unquenchable fire.

In another life I was a lesbian. But in this life I’m a lover of women.


27th January

When you smell the morning and feel the ice unsettling from your bones, and hear a child telling their parent ‘no’, and feel something hot travelling through your throat and around your stomach, and find a refuse cRefuse-Collectionollector whistling something pleasant, and you flick through a newspaper and learn that someone missing has been found and that someone else has been cured, and you’ve arrived at your destination having been carried by the radio and you’re welcomed by a smile

please remember to enjoy your life.


Sometimes (The Book of Lamentations)

Do you ever feel like dying? Sometimes. Do you ever feel like living? Sometimes. Do you ever ask questions? Sometimes. Do you ever find answers? Sometimes. Do you ever breakdown? Sometimes. Do you ever get it together? Sometimes. Do you ever get it wrong? Sometimes. Do you ever get it right? Sometimes. Do you ever feel scared? Sometimes. Do you ever feel brave? Sometimes. Do you ever need support? Sometimes. Do you ever need to be alone? Sometimes. Do you ever desire more? Sometimes? Do you ever feel satisfied? Sometimes.

Don’t pretend it’s just a bed

(It could all be so simple if only we didn’t have to decide who keeps the bed.)

And now we’re fighting over this article of domesticity. You’re pulling the sheets in one direction and I’m dragging the duvet. This is 13.5 tog you know, it wasn’t cheap – feathers cost money. And you’re hugging the mattress, moulding your body into the imprint you’ve created over years of sleep. This is my bed. This is my bed. This is our bed. I won’t let her take it. I won’t let him keep it.

It’s not just a bed.

unmade bed



The Final Tumble

Who knew that this would be the final tumble? After months of smacks leaving visible cracks, who knew that a silent tumble would mark the final silence? One moment you were there bearing it all, and the next you just said no. No more interaction and exchange, no more providing me with all I need, no more seeing me warts and all. Today you said no lying on the bathroom floor.


Today at approximately 10:30am my iphone 4 took a final tumble and died.



I wish my mind was a silent mouth with the capacity to speak but the intuition not to do so.  I wish I had the strength to slam shut its dirty lips with their incessant words – speculations and interrogations. I wish I could uproot it by the throat and fill the gap with something ordinary and simple and sweet, like a strawberry.



I Was

Phenomenal Woman part 1

I was an actor long before anyone reviewed me. I was a writer long before anyone read me. I was famous long before anyone recognised me. I was beautiful long before anyone photographed me. I was loved long before anyone married me. I was admirable long before anyone copied me. I was unique long before anyone wrote my biography.

Never depend on anyone to tell you what you are.

Says the homeless man to the rich child:

Richie Richhomeless-man-dogIt’s the same sweat we sweat when we’re hot. It’s the same shit that comes out of our dogs’ assholes. It’s the same moon we stare at when it’s dark. They’re the same questions we ask in our desperation. They’re the same incurable diseases that catch our family members. 

It’s the same life that turns a little rich child like you into a drug addicted homeless man like me.


Things I’d like to accomplish this evening:

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Things I’d like to accomplish this evening:

1) Adjust my mood lighting to create an atmosphere where I can imagine what it would be like to exist in a tidy room. Then set about creating that environment.

2) Stare into the eyes of the lioness I purchased this afternoon for at least two minutes and find a place fit for her in my room.

3) Watch an episode of Last Tango in Halifax and laugh at the obstinance of a battle axe and consider whether she is anything like me, then wonder if this would prevent anyone from persevering with me. Ultimately decide that I’m amazing, every flaw considered.

4) Reflect on Birdman and prepare a post on him.

5) Paint my nails a natural colour because I feel like being just so this week without any adornment or embellishment. (Could do this at the same time as 3).

6) Crack a few jokes with my brother.

7) Ensure my loved ones know that they are loved by making some form of contact with them.

8) Try not to buy anything from the Bravissimo online sale, unless there’s something stunning in which case it is okay to treat my body.

9) Continue writing an insane story of love and passion that will either drive me downward into despair or excite me into confidence and creativity.

10) Relax, or do the closest thing to this before preparing my rucksack and my mind for another day of work.

*Very ambitious. Dinner and washing-up must also be incorporated into this schedule.


Please read the helpful tips below for dressing your Ken doll:

1) When dressing your Ken doll put him in shoes that fit. Don’t dust off anything that just about looks right so that when he walks he stumbles.

2) If he doesn’t wear suits, buy him jogging bottoms so that he looks his part and not anybody else’s.

3) Don’t make him carry unnecessary luggage; give him an empty bag to put new accessories in.

4) Trade in the silver jewellery you’ve kept hold of for something shiny that fits around his wrist.

5) Dress him in colours that compliment his skin tone and don’t alter his hair because you’re used to a certain shade and style.

IMPORTANT: When you’re dressing your ken doll don’t try to replicate any other doll.

Use your imagination to create your Ken, and you will be sure to find your perfect man.



You should know that I’ll never play your secondary character; I’ll always be protagonist.

You should know that I’ll walk off the pages of your story.

You should know that I’ll rewrite my part from beyond the page.

You should know that I’ll write all over you then write you out.

You should know that we’ll now meet as writers and                                                                 We’ll write together and write the story again,

The way it’s meant to be.

Escort (alternative title: The Most Beautiful F*** and Duck Ever)

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Okay, I’ll be your escort. I’ll let you borrow me from my reality and take me to yours for a week. I’ll let you feed on my mind and talk to me about all the things nobody ever cared enough to listen to. I’ll let you plant kisses on my thighs and ankles and all the bits you think nobody’s noticed before. I’ll let you dream with me about an ideal future where nothing even matters, including dreams about better days because it already is bliss. I’ll let you get lost in the moment with me with no regard for time. I’ll let you tell me that you love me and wish that we would continue inseparably for a lifetime. And when your money’s run out, I’ll let you return me. And I’ll let you return to a better place for having known me.


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Winking at the moon. Turning the lights of the world down low. What do you want from me, starlight? Bitter cold into which I breathe my heart heated breath? I’ve almost had enough. Almost. And then I feel you again – this night, and I’m enraptured by the beauty of darkness and death punctuated by light. Light lives in me tonight. Thank you.



For what do I have flesh, if not to bleed? For what do I have bones, if not to break? For what do I have hair, if not to cut? For what do I have muscles, if not to weary?


Lewis Ruddock, tragic accident survivor

My wounds were made to heal. My bones were made to be rebuilt. My hair was made to grow again. My muscles were made to strengthen.


I guess that’s love

Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 00.37.14Just watched ‘Roald Dahl’s Esio Trot’. Just saw Mr Hoppy tell a tortoise that if he could be anyone from the history of the world, he wouldn’t be Julius Caesar nor Leonardo da Vinci, he’d be that tortoise, because the woman he loves is in love with that tortoise. I guess that’s love. Just saw Mr Hoppy’s amorous intentions towards Mrs Silver take shape in a flawed plan destined for disaster. I guess that’s love. I just saw the wrong man step into the situation to complicate matters. I guess that’s love. Just saw Mr Hoppy pledge to himself to continue to make Mrs Silver happy whilst knowing she can never reciprocate his love. I guess that’s love. I Just saw Mrs Silver, once we’ve believed all hope is lost, express that she’s had a crush on Mr Hoppy from the first moment she saw him. I guess that’s love…

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I just saw Mr. Rochester go blind and have his home burnt to the ground before Jane can declare ‘reader, I married him’. I guess that’s love. I Just saw Captain Corelli become an old wrinkly man before he gets to hop on a motorbike with the woman he’s loved for a lifetime. I guess that’s love…

I just saw myself travailing through life towards my happy ending.